PRE RACE PSYCHOLOGY
Attention Dido's,
As previously reported tension grows within the loins of many and there have been several
reported outbreaks of anxiety. Fear not men as the dawn of triumph is near. Operation
Undress will be conducted in the heavily fortified area know as Bayles. A low flat
landscape running anticlockwise along a 30k perimeter. We will circumnavigate the enemy
twice and I feel we will be split up (Not mentioning why and who caused this!!!). Once
again Priv Mel way has done a sterling effort in finding the site and believes you will
find it on any good map. Leaving nothing to chance he has suggested we check co-ordinates
512 R7 but note the battle cry will be at 10.00hrs. As reported by Mel Gibson all
volunteers should call enlistment officer "THE" Tony on 56787443. This should
happen ASAP. Tactics will be discussed later. Naturally these will have no bearing on the
outcome as heavy gun fire has caused a severe case of deafness within our ranks (dates for
the court marshal is pending and tickets are selling fast).
Rest well men as the winds of change descend from the foot hills of opportunity and one
needs to be on his guard.
Over and out
Pr Brooks (prev POW)
HEARTS AND MINDS
Good Morning Men,
Further to HQ dispatch last week it is time to call up volunteers for this up rising on
the Peninsular. A mystery illness has struck and I fear that we will be under manned for
this most important battle. At this point The La La is on official family business and
can't get a note from his mum. The Trooper Mavis is under constant surveillance from the
human pram and fears his new missile will not see battle on Sunday. Your Private is on
reconnaissance in Perth from Wednesday until Saturday and at this point is unable to get
back in time.
Therefore we need all Racing Dido's to the fore. Once all names are in we can review
tactics and put targets on the backs on some new field personnel. The days draws long men
and and the winds of change blow gently across the furrows of destiny. Dido's unite,
history is insight.
Over and ousted
Priv Brooks
CONSCRIPTION
Dido Racing Dispatch
Hidden Bunker somewhere in Perth
2100hrs
Attention Dido's, Even though I have only attained the lonely position of private (i.e.
only bloody private) in this mans army, it saddens me (tears start to roll down cheeks
also from face) to report that I can't stand beside those gallant volunteers ready to do
battle this Sunday. The La La is also distraught and a broken man who has promised his
best mate his closest attention during their incarceration in 40 year celebrations of the
famous Battle for the Bulge.
However great troops stand tall and the honor roll to date is,
Colonial Elvis but without his trusty Aide de Camp (Trooper Mavis) who is standing guard
over the human Pram.
P.C. Clark (Army Reserve)
Sgt. Collard (Driver, Scud racked scout car)
Brigadier (Retired) P.B. Smurf (if able to get troop carrier over divide)
Lance Corp Hamster (plus trusty Canon 303)
Major Ellen (Legs) Houlihan
Mario Cavalieri (if allowed by The Tony)
Mel Gibson (Ricardo undercover/cover)
Trevsey (Trevsy really)
and the Artist formerly known as Nude Perce (this we believe is a cleverly disguised
diversion)
Tactics and transport arrangements will be discussed and no doubt discarded over coffee on
Saturday at the usual rendezvous. All troops should note that a solid warm up that raises
your H/R (found in chest to the left, should be beating) up over 80% a couple of times and
stay warm prior to battle along with ample stretching of the hamy's and gluts is a must.
Being a very flat battle ground one tends to stay seated for too long on big gears and
this could cause severe stiffness (in legs as well). Ensure when doing turns you keep them
short and shape, as you pass the front rider take pressure off the pedals to ensure the
next rider comes through and just doesn't follow you across and not pass. Be on the alert
for riders dropping off early as everyone settle's down. This can take the first 10 - 20k.
Keep an eye for directional wind change and rotations.
Good luck troops your private is a sad man (more tears on cheeks also wipes face, again)
its time to tear away the shackles of socialist oppression and wear the true colours of
capitalism and fly the colours of Racing Dido's in battle, stout fellows.
Destiny calls ...........and she is so impatient, I must be off.
Over and out
Private Brooks in Exile
RACE REPORT : OPERATION UNDRESS LEAVES BANDIDOS EXPOSED
Bayside Bunch All Bayled Up
You’re At the Big School Now
No Podium Party for Didos
……………………………..pick a headline
BATTLE REPORT BY LANCE CORPORAL HAMSTER
Fear not brethren, for valour, and the honour of the Bandido name were well served in the Battle of Bayles. Moreover I can report with some relief that in spite of hard, hand-to-hand combat fought separately and alone by each Bandido we all survived to regroup as the fields still smoked under echo of fading battle cries.Personnel:
Trevsey, Elvis, Ricardo, Codds, Ellen & Hamster.
Location
Bayles, nestling picturesquely between the seething metropolis of Nar-Nar-Goon and the world potato capital of Koo Wee Rup. Conditions were cool with roads damp at the start. Road surfaces varied from not bad to a strange conglomerate of lightly bitumen- coated 22mm bluestone screening. ( Having got the wrong-sized screenings cheap, the local council obviously felt themselves to be on a roll in road-surfacing so went all out in their efforts to reproduce the unfriendly Belgian pave.) Trevsey will no doubt corroborate my finely detailed pitch report but more of that later.
The objective was a splendid trophy and a first prize cash component of five hundred shemolians.
As usual, a large purse attracted more than its share of opportunists many of whom were indeed crack troops of the SS ( Scratch Speedsters).
...Ok, now would be a good time to remove your hats in reverence at the fortitude and dogged survival skills of the fighting, but now battle-weary Didos.
We wore our hearts on our sleeve ( and our knicks, caps, vests, rugby tops and socks. Elvis even has "Bandidos" written on his bike! ) As Mel Gibson, the regimental wit remarked: " it’s like wearing a sign that says "spit on me" ".
As if by some conspiracy, the first thing that happened was a splitting up of what the handicapper obviously thought to be troublemakers. Our champions: Elvis, Sgt. Collard and Trevsey were burdened with a mere 6 minute gap ahead of the marauding SS. Mel Gibson (aka Ricardo) well known for leading breakouts was put in solitary in the 8 minute group. Equally lonely were yours truly at 10 mins and Major Ellen Houlihan a few groups further ahead.
No big problem you might think. Simple plan, those starting ahead to let none away until the rearward markers of our group come up. Then, just hang on. Yeah, right! As I now re-read Private Brooks sage counsel from his dispatch of last Friday, I realise how much his grey eminence was missed within our ranks as was the venerable grit of Brigadier (Ret.) PB Smurf and sheer muscle of our Aide de Campe. United we stand and divided we fall. About 10 Ks in, your correspondent himself, upon realizing that he had no mates in the bunch, sensed the division at the first major intersection and immediately hit the deck. Perhaps I am slow on the uptake. Having read the start list upon arrival at the battlefield the lofty Trevsey, was so racked by the grief of being split from the full bosom of the Bandido bunch, he collapsed at the edge of the road during the warm-up! (Note to washer person: " a little on the stain, the rest in the wash")
"AND THEY'RE OFF...."
Starting with 2-3 minutes separation, each group was made up of wannabes, couldbes, maybes and Bandidos ( looking very sharp by the way) Confusion of how each group would organize was rife. In my bunch the self-appointed bossy boots showed himself to be rather deficient in numeracy when complaining to me to slow down and keep 39 on the inside line.
A quick glance at the computer told me I was only doing 37. What the?……….as I suspected: a dickhead.
The rotations began to reduce with the wannabes metamorphosing into the notgunnas, sitting like barnacles on the transom of a Brixham trawler. Groups of 10-12 degenerated into carriages of 4 drivers and 6 or more passengers.
As the race matured, the faster bunches would overtake each forward group tsunami-like, leaving floundering eddies of demoralized riders in their wake.
When the 6-minute-men washed over me my heart sang at the sight of the friendly jersey of our own Elvis. For a few Ks I gritted my little rodent teeth ( that keeps them from getting too long you know ) and took my turns.
The drivers of this group were hard men. As the wind buffeted and the rotation was alternated according to the wind direction, here was a corps of veteran commandos who could take the flack, dodge the bullets and chuck the grenades in to the machine gun nests of the enemy.
Comforted as I was by this staunch company, my little bruised body eventually flagged whereupon I took to the lonely rear searching for friends of my own speed to play with..
Thank God for numbers 29, 123 and 60, the latter being Ted, (father of Deb) a wiry fence post of a man with whom the last ¾ lap was teamed ensuring that the Hamster did not sit up.
After the blitzkrieg, relieved to find each other alive, the Bandido comrades immediately set about how we could spin this up into a stunning Dido deed for the annals: " Best outfit" "Most Stylish Team" Best Kept Bike Rack" " Most Deserving Muggaccinos"
Just watch it next time you guys!
Signing out,
Lance Corporal Hamster -