Operation Bedsheet |
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| The
Battle of The Somme(rs) 5 May 2002 Salute El Pres As you so wisely thought, there could be many exaggerations and some recklessness with the truth in dispatch reports that will no doubt filter back to HQ. So please find below my report with total and accurate recollections as requested of OPERATION BEDSHEET – " The Battle of Somers". To say it was a complete success would be an understatement, to say anything would be an understatement but the deeds of good men must be told. I know you fantasize (!!!) that one-day battles such as this will be taught in the classroom to aspiring year 11 historians and to confirm and reassure you Sir, your thoughts are indeed just that, FASTASY, but let me continue. Sunday 5th May 5, 2002. 0700 Hours. Trooper Mavis (Aide de Campe) not that there’s….you know the rest, in support of Col Elvis, El Vendo (Trevsy) and Mel Gibson (Ricardo, really under cover) met at the pre arranged rendezvous and preceded to load the well camouflaged ATV (all terrain vehicle, i.e. company car) of Col Elvis. I say well camouflaged in that there is a hint of green in the vehicles colour scheme and if it wasn’t for the emergency flashers flashing, driving lights blazing and high beam all being on at the same time no one along beach road would have noticed this covert operation. Undeterred, all four tactical members in the ATV slipped quietly out of reserve road and into the grey morning mist along beach road. (ah sorry , no grey mist but it sounds better when one goes into battle rather than the bloody sun was in our eye’s and we couldn’t see zip.). 0710 Hours. Priv Brooks (your loyal and humble servant, kissy kissy) along with Sgt. L. Collard in the Scud racked scout car were waiting in the shadows of Station Street. As per your strict instructions we were to stay undercover and dress like the locals. This was indeed applied except for the ATV members all being in white T-shirts and sporting the sacred Bandido vest. Undeterred we moved on. The convey stayed primarily on back streets and side roads until Priv Mel Way’s co-ordinates were located (behind the seat) and we could get our bearings. It wasn’t long before we were cutting through the dawn haze (and heading in the right direction) having said good bye to the flat low lands of the coast (which were in the wrong direction) and moving ever closer to our battle of destiny. Sgt. Collard ensured the Scud racked scout car remained well within the speed limits to make certain local inhabitants did not notice us. The convoy move uneventful through the region except when we had to stop and I had to go back and have a shouting match with a West Australian long neck tortiose who was travelling too close to our vehicles. Undeterred we moved on. Meanwhile on the other side of the divide, Brigadier (retired) P.B. Smurf was in full flight and heading the red 60 seater troop carrier, code name SUBURB (Post Code 3480) towards Somers. 0800 Hours. Our landing was uneventful and pretty well unnoticed by the locals in the reserve basin other than Col Elvis parking the ATV in the middle of the reserve car park with all lights still flashing to the sounds of "We are the Champions, We are the Champions…..of the worldddddddddddddddddd. Undeterred we moved on. We quickly dispersed amounst the locals and it would have been hard for anyone to notice the team of hardened veterans other than Mel Gibson being sledged by a 82 year old villager and then being awarded the number 69 saddle cloth in C grade. Mel was quick to point out that it was upside down and headed off uttering something about sticks and stones may ….etc etc and moved on. Our plan was going well, or almost well until we found out that the Brigadier have entered into E grade and working independent of the main raiding party. I can hear you now saying that this is totally out of character for good OLE Smurfsy, tut tut. We moved quickly to correct this and if it hadn’t been for the sacred Bandido jersey he was wearing, I think the matter would have gone completely unnoticed. Undeterred we moved on. 0820 Hours. All men had by now infiltrated the opposition racks with well-positioned battle numbers and a very cute and pinkish red headband around our helmets. We now headed off for a reconnaissance of the area. No major concern here in regard to being spied other than when we passed by a corner guard (marshal) who sang out, " HEY BANDIDO’S, I’LL LOOK AFTER YOU". Yes El Pres, it was one of the few remaining survivors of our B team’s incursion when storming The Hill of Olivers (more like a rain shower on the slops but that’s another story), Corp P. Clarke was indeed alive! Undeterred we moved on. After a solid warm up the team made their way back to the reserve basin and awaited for the final orders to attack. 0900 Hours. All opposing antagonists lined up on the hour to hear the start of gunfire, which signaled the attack. As per your strict and very implicit instructions our battle strategy was studied over and over again and again until it became second nature by each combatant and then swallowed. It goes without saying that we were to remain totally invisible in this covert operation and apply the sacred traditions of the ninja. Unfortunately someone said GO and that was the last time we gave any thought to the strategy let alone some Japanese guy dressed in black and jumping backwards onto a roof. Undeterred we moved into the battle. Well El Pres, what can I say other than the events that took place from here on are now folk lore and as they say, ……………..the rest is HISTORY. Over and out. Priv (very) Brooks P.s. No doubt more dispatches (some creditable, I laugh) and reports from the battlefield will emerge over the following days, weeks, months and years. I only hope that some similar accuracy is allowed to flourish. It should also be pointed out that sniper Hamster was seen working alone with his trusty Canon 303 in the surrounding creeks and gullies and hopefully this evidence will not be used (before breakfast) to ruin the reputation of such brave and valiant Dido’s. For me it’s back to the trenches and to begin planning for the next time,……………………………………. the Racing Dido’s do Battle.
the end….
From: Mel Gibson [Feild.Marshall.Ricardo@FullOn.com] As a covert operation we weren't even at the C in covert. Bright gold SS commodore with 4 bikes on the roof. Four guys in matching Bandido vests, white T shirts and Bandido socks. Add in the mobile city of Poppa and you have a good picture. Apart from this set back we were, and yes I'm going to use the words normally
associated with events that have changed history We were AWESOME. A for Attack When we first arrived at Sommers I was convinced we'd stumbled upon the Local Aged Care facility's Wheel-a-thon. There were more bed pains and ostomy bags than a Patterson River Retirement home.....But don't be fooled. These guys were hard, seasoned pros. They'd make our Nugget look like a silicone breast implant. We move to the official's table. I produce my Internet downloaded application
form. (Embarrassing Moment No1) "You can't use that Sonny Jim. You'll need to
fill it out again. Great, things are going just fine........ Quickly fill out my form and
back to the Also issued with a red band to identify the C grade riders. Where does this go I ask myself. Must be a one sided "G". Embarrassing Moment No4. As I'm trying it on for size someone calls out "On you helmet .... Head" How does he know my name, I'm a legend ...I suppose...... We assemble at the start. First off is E and F grade. These guys are old. Great to see. They are followed closely by a convoy of ambulances, para medics and loved ones. Then it's C grade. A stern talking to by the officials on road rules. Embarrassing Moment No5. We've gone no less than 10m and I'm singled out for abuse for crossing to the wrong side of the road. Things have got to pick up.......... And we're away. Our first road race. Objective...... Stay close to Brookes Privates. First lap at a reasonable clip. Nothing too strenuous. All the Bandidos up in the top 1/3. Quietly making space for each other. Testing the opposition. Lots of surging. No attacks. Darl....................... Virtually unseen having decided not to wear his beacon
outfit from previous races The laps swirl by......... 3 of 6, 4 of 6, 5 of 6 and then what we've all come for. The bell lap. I thought they were using the bell as some sort of guidance for the E and F grades. oooopps. Over here. Over here..Ring Ring. The last lap. All those sprints into Mordi came flooding back.... Into the final straight. Pace over 50Km/h. Looking good, Mavis and Elvis out the front, Darl close behind, Poppa Smurf, Laurie tucked in behind. Ricardo trying to swap numbers with one of the guide dogs. 1.5 km to go and ...................... Yelling from everywhere "Car up, Car back" Where are they. I can see one coming towards us. A car passes the bunch. Two wheels in the Dirt. Then all hell breaks out. The car that passed us has literally stopped in the
middle of the road to make a right hand turn. Bikes everywhere....
1st Elvis What a finish!!!!!!!!!!!! Bandidos sheepishly receive their prizes. 1st $35 (True), 4th $5. All in all I'm sure we kept the low profile we'd planned. Off for coffee overlooking Western Port at Somers and home. Another certified Bandido adventure. Another triumph. Another conformation that "Modesty doesn't become us" Next outing 5th June. Cribb Point. Ricardo. P.S. Had an altercation with a bus on the way to work this morning. Hit and forced
off the road. Luckily only a torn tyre.
For the Bandits Mega site : http://www.baysidebandidos.com Click on the images below…(they will be added to later) |
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