Malster’s Maladroit Malapert Malodorous Malapropisms
Saturday 27th September 2003, Bathurst, NSW, Australia

The Govt here makes me laff! The street where I used to live in Bathurst before I moved to the Coast has been described by the State Housing Minister as "socially dysfunctional, it's run down, it has been the centre of vandalism, graffiti and crime and most, if not all, the people have wanted to move" (Western Advocate 26 Sept 2003:1). The probable plan is to bulldoze the lot! I personally didn't have any trouble when I was living there, altho I did see the police break into a few empty houses, drug-deals go down across the street, windows smashed, a man chasing another with a large lump of wood, and a car totally thrashed with rocks! So...maybe the minister is right! hahahaaaa!

As you may guess, I'm living in Bathurst now, to be closer to the boys - regardless of some dickheads who would rather me dead! hahaha! Beautiful Bathurst is 200km west of Sydney in NSW, Australia (33' 25" South 149' 25" East), and I'm sharing a 2-bedroom townhouse in town. A lovely spot that's within walking distance - close to everything. I've felt the most happiest I've been in the past 2 years since moving here, and no-one's gonna rob me of that. I'm half-way thru my second semester studying my Uni degree, which is good but pretty full-on. I'm very happy having nothing to do with any form of man-made churchianity, thank you - which rural towns such as this one exist and thrive on. I have a very good friend in Sydney getting ordained into Christian ministry next month, and she has the most balanced and healthy attitude towards the gospel and the world to which it relates than anyone else I have met over the previous 17 years!

I've been jamming with a few of the Folk Club musos here. I miss playing tho - it's awkward getting around without transport sometimes - whatever I can carry I can take! So - lots of 'unplugged' acoustic stuff. It makes a lovely change for me, actually. I've been teaching myself a whole lot of mid-60's Dylan stuff to play - something I've never done before, and I'm loving the change in style. Something different. Actually, my new-found freedom away from the restrictive 'guilt-factory' of churchianity has seen me delve into Greek myths and legends such as Homer, and a new-found fascination for a particular Greek island called Hydra. Some of the discoveries I've made exploring this stuff for myself have been absolutely life-changing (I now see that a lot of Pauline doctrine was purely political [party politics and power-struggles established the NT church] and is soaked in Homer - stuff you're never shown in Bible College!), and the lifelong learning process continues. It's really great to be able to 'think for yourself' (Harrison:1965) at long bloody last, without fear of judgement or criticism! Whoo hoo! "Free at last! Free at last! Thank gawd awlmighty, we are free at last!" hahahaaaaaaaa!

Malster’s Maladroit Malapert Malodorous Malapropisms
Tuesday 8th April 2003, Central Coast, NSW, Australia

Malster’s Maladroit Malapert Malodorous Malapropisms
Thursday 28th November 2002, Central Coast, NSW, Australia

I've been officially accepted into the University of New England, to complete their Bachelor of Education (Adult Education and Training), which'll start 24 Feb 2003. Yay!

Malster’s Maladroit Malapert Malodorous Malapropisms
Wednesday 20th November 2002, Central Coast, NSW, Australia

Well, from Monday 18th November, I'm now officially divorced. It's not something I'm proud to stand up and say, but it's a harsh reality. Not something I had planned at the age of 38 - this was never in my life-plans at all. As they say - shit happens! Hahaha. But, it's a fresh start.

A trip staying with some friends in Brisbane will do much to help me to continue to move on. I should hear before Xmas if I'm officially accepted for my Uni course - which is something I'm very keen to begin and complete! I've also been doing some volunteer work 2 days' a week at a local Charity organization, helping out in their office, and re-learning promotional strategies as well!

Is there anyone out there who can answer this question: When does the pain end? Does the hurt ever go away? Do you just kinda have to live with it?

My divorce is being heard on 18th November. Damn.

Quite a few things have happened since I last made a written-entry in here - physically and emotionally!

Since early October, I've moved from one part of town to another, where I'm now sharing a 2-bedroom unit 2 blocks from the heart of town. What at first I thought might be a tight-squeeze space-wise turned out excellently, with all my 'bits' fitting nicely in all the nooks-and-crannys around the place. This was the fastest move ever for me, I think - within 24-hours I was 95% unpacked and settled-in! I feel a lot more relaxed here, even tho moving-on from my old residence was a difficult decision for me to make.

I am in the process of applying to do a 2-years' full-time "Bachelor of Education in Adult Education and Training" degree, through the University of New England next year. While it will be a lot of work, this is something I love to do (training/facilitating - and studying too!), plus I will be able to kick-start my new 'career' as an adult workplace trainer! I'm excited to feel motivated, energized and enthused again - my emotions and self-confidence have taken an absolute thrashing over this last year (it has been a living hell, really - people, you really have no idea how I've suffered emotionally, physically and mentally over these last 12 months!), so I'm encouraged to feel positive about life and with a great sense of direction forward at last. Plus, of added encouragement, the 3-year Diploma of Theology I finished in 1996 will count towards a lot of my 'credits' for entry into the degree! Whoo hoo!

I spent a very rewarding, relaxing, productive, refreshing and stress-free time with my boys in Bathurst just over this weekend-past. It's amazing to believe my youngest two will be sharing birthdays next month - they are really growing-up fast - what a bundle of energetic life! While being in phone-contact with them has been positive, there's no emotional substitute for actually being there - for those cuddles I miss sooo much. Among other times, we all spent a few delightful hours on the Sunday happily paddling and building a swimming hole in the very-dry MacQuarie River - the drought is really kicking-in big-time out west. Michelle and I had some very serious yet positively mutually encouraging talks together, as I keep focussing on moving forwards with my life. The court date for the divorce is mid-November - something I'm quite sad about (naturally), but it's really for the best. Time to keep moving forwards.

During late September, I caught-up with some of my old mates from school and our old soccer-team, "The Slashers"! One guy was, until very recently, still playing for the same team - astoundingly after 22 years! It was a very special time for me, as some of those guys and I go a looong way back together, and you just loose touch with some people - you know what it's like. I felt very appreciated, supported, deeply encouraged and listened to as I was able to share some fairly deep emotions 1-on-1 with some mates thruout the day - plus a few refreshing ales along the way certainly didn't hinder things! lol. A wonderful time was had by all!

Until next time - cyalayta!

Since moving away from the emotional, spiritual and physical ‘restraints’ and lifelessness of Bathurst (altho it’s a beautiful town), I have re-discovered and begun to re-learn to express once again an inner freedom denied me for the last 17 years.

Whilst I haven’t pursued any musical-playing opportunities so far (which is fine), I’ve started getting out-and-about and ‘socialising’ in places I haven’t frequented for years. The local RSL Club is a nice quite place to have a few friendly drinks and a great cheap feed along the way. The Central Coast Leagues Club is a huge facility, where on Friday and Saturday nights I’m able to forget my years and get on out the floor and d-d-dance my heart-out - and absolutely loving it! I’ve managed to meet a few nice ladies along the way, and slowly I’m developing a few new friendships of the female-persuasion, which is really lovely for me to have the fresh confidence to do that comfortably, without having unwelcome nosy-parkers sticky-beaking about me!

Along with catching up with a very old ‘girl-friend’ (just socially!) who lives locally, I’ve met 2 single mums, plus a very lovely lady with a few children who lives north of the border - “chat” is a wonderful medium for developing a very close friendship. We’ve actually met together, and I’m being careful guarding my heart with this special friend - situations beyond both our control come into play here, so we’re trying not to be too silly! But also, it’s been relaxing slowly getting to know some of the local blokes too in a social way.

Standing in the Leagues Club the other night, in the middle of Gosford, I start talking to a bloke - who comes from Blayney (Blayney, of course, is a small town very very close to Bathurst - like 300km away from here!!!) - of all places - so, we had a good laff about that together. How I miss the laconic dry humour of country people - so refreshing! I managed to get some work out of it for a while, helping him with his local masonry business - an added bonus! Then, a few days' later, in the middle of downtown Gosford, I start talking to someone from Cowra (well, Woodstock actualy - no, not THAT Woodstock! lol). It's a small small small small world!

I’ve spent a few fun nights at the local pub too - something denied me for years (out of a sense of unspoken guilt by the church-people!) It’s great to be able to sit in front of a warm log-fireplace, share a few beers with a few strangers, and talk our hearts out, and laff ourselves silly along the way. No agendas - it’s just so freeing! My god - where have I been for the last 17 years?! hahahaha. A few weeks’ ago a few of us travelled to Wyong to watch a live blues-band in the local pub, which I really quite enjoyed, despite being quite ‘tired’ by the end of the night! I’d love to play again, but the whole thought of lugging and getting home at ridiculous hours does not excite me at all! hahaha. There is no 'live-scene' up here at all for bands anyway...

To keep my ‘hand-in’, so-to-speak, with guitar playing and singing, I’ve spent a few fun lunchtimes busking in mind-Gosford. Never minding anymore having people stand and watch me play, it’s been good to get my fingers and wrists back to a healthy playing standard - like they say, you gotta keep your practise up, and busking is a great way to keep fresh!

Altho it’s been frustrating at times without my own transport yet, the local buses (and even trains) are very regular and I’ve managed to get myself around quite well. Unfortunately, the beach hasn’t made it to me yet!

Depression is no longer an issue for me, after most of my adult life! 9 months of mild anti-depressant medication seems to have done the trick - at long bloody last! But - no more drugs needed! Like the rest of us, I still have my better days and no such better days, but absolutely nothing like the inky-blackness I’ve suffered and lived-thru in the past. It’s such a wonderful feeling!

Josh had his 9th birthday 1st week of August, and I spent a few days with the boys in Bathurst. It was an emotionally-draining time for me - I had to spend 2 nights elsewhere to boot - but it’s wonderful to watch how Josh is growing, maturing - and developing the same warpo sense-of humour as his dad too! Alex, the youngest, was my shadow the whole time I was there - not that I’m complaining - but it makes it very hard to have to go again and leave them behind. Altho I know they are in the best, safest and healthiest environment they could possibly have, so that’s a huge weight off my mind.

Plus, I'm very very excited that my brother and I are slowly beginning to 'thaw' towards each other - time is a great healer.

Well, my life hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would. I always dreamed of growing-old with someone, and I guess I just have to re-discover who that is going to be. That’s sad, but refreshingly exciting too.

The move went quite well - if any relocating-experience can be described in quite that way! We hired a small box trailer, and somehow managed to squeeze all of my frugal belongings into both bursting car and trailer. It was a looong day - but I'm pretty-well established in the house now already. It's been fun too...finding all those little bits-and-pieces you'd forgotten you'd had, lost, hiding or 'creatively filed' in amongst all those menagery of boxes...

I'd been down here living on the NSW Central Coast for 5 days, and I've started some work already - whoo hooo! I've been 'packing and stacking' oranges at a local orchard. At first I was coming home exhausted with the constant physical tasks, but after a week now I'm getting quite used to it all. Wednesday sees me picking fruit for the first time - that'll be different!

Saddest thing I've realised this week? My only dear brother has pronounced himself my unlistening judge and jury - with no entitlement or grounds for my recourse or reply, it seems. Judged, convicted, sentenced, forgotton. As if I haven't had enough torturous pain to burden lately...

I guess I've had some very strongly-direct 'self-realisation' moments so far this week. For a lot of people I know, what I have come to the conclusion of would not be at all positive for them. But - I am not living my life for them - but for myself, finally. What am I talking about? It's about how I see myself, how I have slowly and surruptisiously had my own individually joyfully creative, fun and spontaneous 'life-force' sucked-out of me over the last 'x' years, and how I am now somehow going to deal with being "divorced."

The main basis of my whole life over the last 17 years has been 'church' - and I have come to the releasing realisation that 'church' and myself will no-longer be. Jesus, yes, 'church', no. Experiencing the hypocrytical bullsxit of 'church' when it comes to treating people as individuals has turned me away for good. Basically, I have never 'fit' into the 'life of the church' - and because of that, the church has ignored my existence to such a degree over the years that I cannot possibly go-on being involved with such a legalistic, non-'agapae'-loving group of people any further - over the last 17 years they have literally sucked the life out of me. I cannot live that way and be a happy balanced and creative individual any longer. The break has had to come.

For those who read this and seem concerned...I'm just too bitterly hurt and upset by peoples' hypocrytical self-righteous attitudes (I admit it! At least I can do that!) to really 'give a damn' right now. I'm trying to get on with my life - the life of a divorced father is hell. No-one in the 'church' is willing or prepared to even begin this 'walk' alongside me, let alone acknowledge that truth. 'Church' has had 17 years' to show me they were any different - they were not.

Individuals, yes. 'Church', no. I have seen individuals change 1,000%, but even they do not 'fit' into the 'life of the church,' and I've watched them suffer a similar fate as mine - treated like a 'freak' or a 'nuisence', they are politely ignored "in love" until they are no longer noticed or even made welcome - and they just wither lifelessly and silently disappear. And the 'church' still wonders why it looses its' most essential people - those with abounding passion, vigour and vision - all the time. Altho: Eleanor Soetens is a glowing vibrant saint standing amongst dusty decaying seated statues. I love you with my most sincere heart, Eleanor.

And, in answer to a question asked of me just before I left Bathurst, "Who is the 'she' in the song I play, 'She Lives With Her Head in the Clouds'?" People - the 'she' is the 'church.'

For those of you who thought they knew me - where have you been in my life lately?

At this stage in my life (at the ripe-old age of almost-38!), it looks as though I will be leaving the beautifully climactic Bathurst region after 7 wonderful years, and moving to Gosford (N.S.W. Central Coast) to work and live. The plan is to share a house with an old friend over there. The immediate concern is...how am I gonna get there?! hee hee.

Of course, I'm going to miss seeing my 3 precious boys' as often as I have been, but there comes a point in your life when it's time to "move on," regardless of how things appear to the casual observer. I can never not be a dad, but being a "part-time" father is not a healthy thing for any of us, as sad as that may sound. The future is discovering and implementing a fresh way to relate and communicate my undying relationship with my 3 beautiful sons.

Basically, Miss TangerineStar does not feel the same way about me the way I feel about her, unfortunately. (I hoped to be a "Better Man.") On the positive, we will keep working at developing a unique friendship of two old schoolmates who haven't seen each other in 26 years. That is the main thing about us - we have always been able to 'talk' at a grassroots level together. Thank you.

I have finally come to the peaceful resolution that my marriage is over. I have finally reached a real sense of closure, and have an confident assurance to move on with my life once again. Shell and I are both happy and positive, for our own lives, and for the boys' too.

No-one wants a wreck of my old car - all I could get for it was $650. I'll be returning the small car I'd borrowed from Orange this weekend, as I no-longer work there anymore, unfortunately. If it wasn't so serious, it'd all be pretty bleedin' funny!

On a brighter note - Sebbie surprised us all - by starting to sight-read all by himself! The title of the movie, "Cool Runnings" came on the TV, and he read it and said it - we nearly fell over! So, all those hours of visual-cues and reading are starting to pay-off at last.

Another fun thing we do...I put a colour-rinse thru my hair. Just a light 'Aztec-Copper', which just added a hint of light-red to my light brown locks. But I haven't disposed of the gray (sorry - 'non-blonde') coming thru in my beard yet! And why not?!

CD's I've been listening to with much pleasure just lately: Bob Dylan's "Blonde on Blonde" and "Bringing It All Back Home"; "Past Masters Vol.1," "Abbey Road" & "Sgt. Pepper" - The Nurk Twins; "Crosby Stills and Nash"; Crowded Houses' "Woodface" and "Recurring Dream"; "Experience Hendrix"; "Wingspan" - Paul McCartney; and the "Forrest Gump" soundtrack too.

Michelle has decided to end our almost-10 year marriage. "Our relationship is not going to work," she has told me. "I'm not prepared to live the way I lived before." She is already talking divorce.

I've started employment (at last!) as a Pre-School Teachers' Assistant at a pre-school/long-day-care centre in Orange (NSW). It's tiring but VERY satisfying work. Gawd knows I need the work - and the dollars!!!

 3 days' after starting - my car literally blew up! As it's a 55km trip (one-way) to work, permanent transport will be an issue for a little while.

I finally got to see "Lord of the Rings" with a friend from church - a very intense experience - I've only recently re-read the whole book along with "The Hobbit".

Josh (who's lost another tooth) starts 3rd Class at school, and Sebbie and Alex both begin pre-school themselves - in the next few days. Alex is out of day-time nappies, and Sebbie's riding a bike without training-wheels now! Gosh - they really ARE growing up too fast!

Here I am back in Bathurst. The 1,050 km trip took 2 days, with a restful stopover at Karuah. Answered prayer - no boiling-over radiator - ta, Lord! I experienced all 4 weather seasons on my journey home, from sweltering heat, to driving rain, to cold winds, to fog! Australia is such a big country.

I first saw Shell and the boys in the distance at Machattie Park, where we were to meet. As I ran, Josh saw me first, as he sprinted towards me. I dropped to my knee, and we hugged as he cried for 5 minutes. The other boys' were excited to see me, but I wasn't going to let Josh go again. Shell looked just great - what can I say?!

We've spent the last few days' just hanging out together, I guess getting used to being all together again. It's been great, I mean really great. Alex has just grown so much (I suppose 'cause he's the youngest), and Seb is just so much more confident in himself, but it's Josh who is my constant shadow. I guess he's worried I'll be going away again. But - God willing - I won't be going anywhere whithout my whole family.

While I'm gonna miss some of the great people in Tweed - like Chris, Jennie, Steve and Kallie, James, Dhana, Paige and Brooke, Andrew, Stacey, Hayley and Samuel, Anthony and Kylie, Nigel, and the many others as well - there's just no place like family and home.

Housing and employment continue to be realistic situations that need to be overcome.

My last Sunday arvo in Tweed was spent in glorious isolation. Wholly alone on a deserted horizon-long Casurina Beach, equipped with beach-chair, umbrella, rug, chair, I sat back for 3 hours and listened to the Davis Cup final rubber, and the 3rd cricket test on my transistor radio. Feeling relexed, rested, refreshed, simply watching the endless ocean roaring along the sand for hours on end. Only in the Tweed...

to be continued.................

It was the day I was leaving my home town - it felt like in disgrace. The car was packed to overflowing, as I headed firstly East before I began the long haul Northwards to the Tweed, so far to try a fresh start, a clean head, a new heart. Empty, sad, frustrated, isolated, just plain numb. Petrol gauge needed a good nudge, as I pulled into the Raglan Mobile, for what seemed like the last time. Nan and Pa’s seemed so far away now, even within eyesight.

I filled-up, not even thinking, automatically reacting to the mundane of daily routine. All I really wanted was to keep moving, to get away, to try again - somehow, somewhere. As I stood in the long cue with the plastic in my hand, I heard a voice from behind my right shoulder, “Mr Mal!” As I turned, I saw the face of one of my Scripture students from last year, Jean. Now in Year 7 at McKillop College, she was one of the number of that Year-6 ‘feral-class’ of mine from last year. She was a good kid, really, but put them all together, and they literally had a group-attention-span of 30-seconds! “Hello, Mr Mal. It’s good to see you,” she smiled, and much to my stunned amazement, she came over and gave me a big bear hug, right there in the queue.

The words kinda stumbled out, as I tried to rise above the stupor of my mindlessness of the day. “Hi. How’s things going?” “Oh, I miss having you for Scripture, Mr Mal. You know, Religious Studies at High School is just sooo boring! I wish we had you again this year! I learnt heaps!” And with that, she gave me another hug.

You know, after a year with that group of children, I felt tired, annoyed, exasperated - that nothing I’d been trying to teach had got through. But here, right out of right-field, right at the least expected moment, at possibly my weakest and most fragile instant, God comes along and gives me some deep-abiding comforting-consolation. “The past continues; the seeds you planted I will continue to grow.” Not one little bit of last years’ Year-6 experience was at all wasted.

I drove on numbly grieving, weeping a deep sense of loss.
 

What happens when you begin to loose faith in yourself? That’s a question I’m asking myself at the moment. But that’s not what I wanna talk about.

The water beyond the back of the breaking surf up here is exquisitely clear. The sandy bottom seems only a few feet beneath you, but reality is the glistening green water is much deeper than it seems. When the wind is up, it splashes a heavy mist against your sweating face, and I’m taken back 20 years, to sailing a blowy Sou-Easter across to Reef Beach. Some things never change, it seems.

It’s taken me a few weeks to get the courage (nerve? foolishness?) to go ‘out the back’ in a large surf. The ocean has always unsettled me - I have never been fully comfortable with its unexpected turns - I confess my deepest respect for her. The last few weeks’ have been a wonderful experience coming to grips with learning how to swim again, how to survive in the water, and how not best to drown(!). I’ve enjoyed incredibly experiences in 3-4-foot crystal-clear waves, the exhilaration of dropping-off a smooth deep-green shimmering face, and the thrusting-drive of a wall of water forcing you forwards - as you hang-on for dear-life! Now, I’ve learnt how to ‘steer’ the thing - ahh, that’s much better!

A surfboard? You’ve gotta be kiddin! Yup, I bought myself one for $35.00 (complete with a broken-nose repair), but it’s been just too long (22 years - the last time I rode a board, I ‘fin-chopped’ myself on the left leg - still bare the scar, at Freshwater Beach, Sydney). Instead, I’ve been maximising the waves on a ‘Boogey-Board’, which is , for me, much more accessible - and a lot less tiring! I’ve got the complete rig - flippers, ankle-straps, etc, and I’ve been getting pretty good at it. Finally mastered paddling and kicking at the same time - wax proved to be the missing ingredient!

The swell was kicking-in at 3-4 meters (that’s 9-12 foot) at the exposed ocean beach. From atop Point Danger, it looked awesome - and there were about 70 other riders out there to boot. I decided to go for it - I’d never been out in stuff that big before. The best place to get out there was in the southern-most rip, along the rock breakwater-wall, and it only took a comparatively short time and minimal effort to get ‘out the back’ with all these other blokes. There were a few boogey-boarders here as well, so I kept going across to where they were. The swell was only rolling in cleanly at about 6 foot at this point, and I was easily rolling in their wind-swept motion. We all saw it and whooped together - a dark-grey dolphin was jumping-out and effortlessly surfing a wave right in front of us.

Then the next large set came in, and I don’t think many of us were prepared! When it started breaking about 1 km out to sea, we knew it was gonna be a big bastard. Anyway, we all paddled and kicked like mad to try to get out behind it, but a wall of foaming water 10-feet-high advancing atop of you was a little unsettling - to say the least! I ducked underneath the foaming edge, just as I’d done 50 times previously. But my lack of experience with so much moving water knocked me for six! It must have re-broke right atop my head! Although my lungs were full of air, being held under water for 10 seconds - count slowly to ten, and you’ll see what I mean - seemed like forever. I knew I’d pop-up eventually, and I was still connected to the board with the wrist-strap. When the tumble-drier had passed and finished its cycle on me, I did bob-up, and took a long gasp of fresh air, looking over my shoulder. Another seemingly huge wall of white seething foam was rapidly bearing down on me - again. Another big breath, and duck - and woosh! Tumble-drier - big-time! When I did re-surface again, I have to admit that for the first time, I did feel momentarily quite scared. But I deliberately told myself, “Don’t Panic! Take it easy!”, and slipped back atop the board, trying to get past the next large wall of rushing foam racing towards me. I felt so small. This one didn’t ‘mash’ me too badly, but I knew that I’d been beat. I couldn’t even see any of the other guys out here, as yet another large set came hurtling towards the outside bank. I caught my breath again, and turned back towards the beach, which suddenly seemed such a long, long way away. As I started to kick, my legs felt o-so heavy, yet I knew I couldn’t stay out here for much longer today - it was just too big for me. It really didn’t take too long for me to catch and ride the wash into the beach, but I sat there sweating and breathing heavily for a few minutes, resting firmly atop my board, peeling off my flippers.

2 days’ later, I drove past my favourite beach, and the surf was a wonderful 3-4 foot SE long easy break. What I would normally consider practically perfect. But for the first time, at this familiar place, I felt afraid. Was I too scared to go back into the bastard again? Was I foolish for not respecting the ocean - you betya! I know I must get back onto it again - get back onto the horse after its’ throw me. The swell is much more manageable now. I will be back.

“You’ve got to stop glancing back over your shoulder all the times at the things that have passed, the things we have to move away from. You never know, you might turn into a pillar of salt.” George Johnston, “A Cartload of Clay”

“This, then, is what it came to. The chief thing was to keep on living. That was the chief thing.” Rilke.

"If at this stage you were to imagine the scene as being presented on the stretched-out oblong of the modern cinema screen it would be most interesting to visualize it through whatever is the opposite to a zoom lens; the retreating viewpoint, that is, soaring higher and higher like an escaped balloon: focussed at the figure of Meredith huddled lonely and solitary on his mundane suburban bus seat, diminishing him to an unidentified man, to a fore-shortened pigmy, to a speck, to a nothing, the surroundings of his suburb rushing in from all sides to fill the screen, and the suburb in its own turn diminishing to a flat crazy-quilt pattern of reds and greys and dense greens intersected by the grid-like stitchings of streets and lanes. Now if the camera lens were to continue to zoom away - or to un-zoom away, whatever the word is - the suburb of Northleigh would become no more than a mottled patch, as if several watercolour washes of different hues had run carelessly together, and we should now have the frame intruded upon by many curling shapes of indigo and amethyst, scallops and fringes and snaky tentacles, dusted here and there with shifting glitters of light, which would be the waters of the harbour, remarkable from here in its placidity and medallion-like beauty. But, as the zoom action went on, this too would dwindle into a kind of insignificance, no more than a bauble of lapis lazuli set in a thick encrustation of tarnished bronze, and coming in from every direction now to fill the screen would begin the invasion of great plains of dull reddish colour marked by various indistinct patterns like cheap transfers carelessly applied, and this would represent the outer suburbs, the dead and terrible suburbs of the great city, endlessly repetitive, endlessly extending, filling the screen, dropping away, refilling it. You might even find yourself thinking of the tale of the Sorcerer’s Apprentice, but with red tile and red brick and torrents of cement and asphalt in place of the frightful and malevolent pails of water, for still the pale drab red expanses, now from our great altitude resembling a parched desert, would come rushing in to fill and refill all our screen.

"Long before this, of course, you would have altogether lost the suburb of Northleigh with its tree-lined streets and occasional old white houses with foundations of mellow Hawkesbury sandstone and roofs of grey slate - houses, for example, quite like Meredith’s - and Meredith himself, crouched on his bus stop trying to make up his mind, would have no more visible nor even more proven existence than a living denizen of some faraway planet. Meredith has now been swallowed up and lost utterly in the congested, inflamed, distended gut of his surroundings. You might say that this, in a symbolic sense, is one of his basic problems. Not all of his problems, for he has sickness to contend with, and grief and loneliness and certain guilts and other fears, but certainly one of his problems. He is, in a word, frightened. He is frightened of what surrounds him. He has been frightened by what has happened to him, but he is even more frightened by what might yet be in store for him. Being concerned about his own frail and increasingly vulnerable individuality (being a writer, he has long been detached and isolated from the formal functionings of mass society), he is genuinely afraid (with, you might admit, with some reason) that these surroundings which you have just observe will take him, or what is left of him, and swallow it all down - the ageing, scrawny, residual bone and flesh and gristle and humours and passions and fears and hopes and emotions of David Meredith - yes, and the fingernails too, or what is left of them - and it will mean no more than one gulp in the crowded clanging of the preoccupied helter-skelter world, and afterwards no echo left, no trace, nothing. Nothing at all.

"This is what frightens him.”

George Johnston, “A Cartload of Clay,” Sydney: Collins, 1970.
(Text added 21.11.01)
 

Salutations, greetings and G'day! Mal here, just trying to keep in touch with you, letting you know some of the times, places and events in my life over the last few weeks.

It'll continue to take a bit of time for both Shell and I to process issues we have to work-thru on our own. Tho while I'm missing home with the family so very much, we both realise it's still early days, and still too soon for me to be moving back just yet. But we are trying to slowly work on it. I'm realistic - it's pretty hard times. It was hard being away for Sebbie's 5th birthday, but it's pretty cool having a few conversations with him on the phone - they're all just growing up too fast! Did you hear that Alex (our youngest and 3 at the end of November) accidentally broke his arm last month?! He's doing just great, with no permanent damage - but it's sure put a few gray hairs into Shell's scalp - tough times for us all.

Since I've been here (6 weeks' already!), I've lived with one family twice, and spent 4-weeks in a caravan park - an eye-opening experience. The search for full-time employment has been a lot harder than I'd imagined. But I've been doing some volunteer stuff in-between letters, visits, calls, faxes, etc etc etc. The next few weeks' before Christmas will be crunch-time - trying to decide whether it's time to move onto another place, or...?

Getting to know new people at Church has been pretty good. I've been going every Sunday (incl. playing bass, keyboards and drums with the worship music-team - tho not all at the same time!), mid-week Home Group, weekly bread run, and a fortnightly Men's Group. I've been teaching a bloke a bit of bass-guitar too, which has been a real refresher for me.

I'm taking a complete break from all children's ministry while I'm away from 'home'. This needs to be a 'time of refreshing', and it's been great just 'hanging-out' with God in this beautiful part of the world. Although I hadn't even considered it when I first came up here (I didn't even pack a beach-towel - D'uh!), I have been really enjoying playing in and beside the ocean for the first time in my life. I'm a bit of a boogie-boarder now (got the whole kit and all!), and for the first time this week, I dared myself to catch and ride 7 to 8 foot surf-waves - successfully (I've always been a bit scared of the surf, so it's kinda an 'overcoming'-thing). I've been enjoying the smaller waves, but it's the first time I've really been 'out the back' in the really big stuff - and loving it! I've discovered it's a great place to 'commune' with God - in the relative calm-flatness of the clear deep-green water, waiting for the next wave! I found myself escorted by an air-force jet screaming past 100-feet above my head, whilst I was bobbing in the surf one day - not something you see everyday.

I hate to admit it too, but living here on the NSW / QLD border (I mean, literally - the border goes down the middle of the street!!!), I've been a bit of a 'tourist' - jumping from one time-zone to another. QLD not being on daylight-saving time, and being part of the same town, is a real headache sometimes. And of course, I've found the local library, Op Shops etc! I've only been to QLD once before (never been up here B4), so I keep making new discoveries all the time.