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| Homophobic Behaviour and its Effects on Children | ||
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Friends often ask me “What do you say when someone makes homophobic remarks or derogatory gestures about homosexuals?” I answer that although I know that such destructive messages come from ignorance or fear, I have learned that calling people scared or ignorant is not a constructive answer. I have found that I have much more success when I really listen to what people are saying, then ask a pointed question to personalise that issue and to try and challenge their knowledge and beliefs. For example, when someone makes a statement about gays having the right to marry, I ask why and how they think this could possibly hurt any one. I ask why and how it is fair to tell any child that his or her dreams of romance to the person they love is disgusting. Would they rather have the child put all thoughts out of their mind and live a passionless life? Laura Siegel commented that the last time she asked “What would you do if your daughter admitted to being gay?” the respondent admitted that she would have a hard time loving her daughter unconditionally. She could tell. However, that her answer really bothered her, and she would like to think that she went away thinking things over. Often, zoning in with a personal question is more effective than reacting and fighting. A friend’s “Oh God I hope not!” at the suggestion that his grandson might be gay, changed when he could not think of anything awful about it except that society would treat this nice kid badly. He realised that this young person would need his support, and not his fears. Similarly, a mother who was afraid to have her children around the adored lesbian aunt, needed to be asked what she was afraid of and educated to the fact that homosexuality is not contagious or learned, but rather, is simply natural for some children and not for others. She also needed to learn that child molesters are overwhelmingly heterosexual males, 95% according to figures. When I hear an offensive joke or remark I might comment I might comment, “That’s a very destructive message This kind of attitude you are voicing is very damaging to families. Teenagers who feel they are alone or hated can become dropouts, runaways, can get into substance abuse or may end up as suicides, and these tragedies can break up entire families. The family you save by stopping this gay bashing could be your own.” If your kids participate, even tacitly, in homophobic comments, it is important that they understand from you that you are disappointed and that you expect better from them. Children need to know that their family considers bullies to be cowards and that conversely; you have great respect for those with the courage to support what is just. They can learn that, while we all do stupid and childish things, at times, it is admirable to grow and become a more mature and constructive member of society. Often, simply asking people to think about what they have just said or heard causes them to re evaluate the myths. We need to be aware that there are gays and lesbians all around us, who are invisible as such. They are our friends, our family members and some time s our own children, and they are being hurt by thoughtless remarks that we let others make without challenging them. Because I have been associating with homosexual people for more than 20 years I have had many occasions to say “ Hey that hurts. My gay son and his gay friends are not perverts or child molesters. They are decent and valuable members of community. It has been my experience that most people have never thought much about the subject and soon recognise the mistake they make when judging without questioning the facts or the source of their feelings If your kid engages in name- calling ask why they are trying to hurt this person. Are they abusing the power of strength size or numbers on order to intimidate or to hurt? Why are they doing it? Are they insensitive ignorant angry weak or hurting? What does the name they are using mean to them? Does the child need discipline, facts sensitivity training, or perhaps support for himself or herself? It is usually not possible to know if a person is gay at a young age but if he or she is, so what? The bottom line is “ You are not only being mean, but you are not being very smart” Parents need to consider their own feeling and attitudes. If you think that suggesting that a person is homosexual is an insult, then your child will get the message that you think being homosexual is bad and you have added power to the name calling. If parents or teachers are alarmed or repulsed by atypical gender behaviour children are taught to fear differences and to value conformity. They are less free to appreciate their own uniqueness and to respect that other people are unique. To a ten-year-old victim of name calling a wise mother said, “Some people love those of the opposite sex. Some love those of the same sex. There is nothing bad about that. Love is always good. What is bad is the way people hurt other people by name -calling. It hurts to be called names, but there is nothing bad about you, and nothing bad about being gay. Do you know what being “gay” means? If, when you get older you do think you might be gay, I want you to tell me first so that I can try to help you to find someone you can trust to help you to sort it out. And if after that you do decide that you really are gay, I have friends can help you to be happy and healthy and responsible about it. And I would like to help you to find a church where people will love and support you, and not try and change you or teach you all kinds of hurtful things” (Exerpt from PALISADES PARENTS TOGETHER Liz Armstrong) |
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