Many of you who are gay or lesbian will no doubt have difficulties in deciding about coming out to your parents or other members of your families. What can you expect if you decide to come out? Is there a right time for it?

These are not easy questions and it is not possible to give an answer which applies to everyone. As a parent of a son who is gay I wish to share with you something of my story.

Before my son came out to me he had already left home at about the age of 16. I can. understand something of the difficulty which he felt about coming out. Although we had discussed matters relating to heterosexual sex with members of our family I do not recall matters pertaining to homosexuality ever being mentioned. At that time still very little was being said about it in most circles. It tended to be taken for granted that one's offspring would find someone of the opposite sex, fall in love with them, get engaged and marry. The thought that one would fall in love with someone of their own sex and have a relationship with that person just never occurred to us.

I was a minister in the church and we had sought to bring up our children with what we perceived to be the Christian ideals. Among these would have been that sex was God's gift to be used properly in a loving, committed marriage relationship. By implication then my son could easily have felt that we would not have tolerated any kind of homosexual relationship. That would make it very difficult for him to come out to his parents.

While all this was true, at the same time I had always seen that it was important for me to accept my family, or anyone else for that matter, no matter what they did and seek to understand them as they are. It would not have been possible for me, as a parent, to reject any of my family. I saw that God accepted all, particularly those that others treated as outcasts. My son then would always be my son no matter what he did.

It was my son himself who later reminded me of what I had said when he came out to me. Apparently it was something along these lines - "In a world so full of hate, can your love be so wrong?" For him that was complete acceptance. If I am honest, for me it probably still was a question. But hatred was the greatest wrong and compared with that, an act of love did not warrant the same condemnation.

But this was only a beginning in understanding for me. I came to develop a friendship with another parent who had a gay son. This friend declared that homosexual orientation was in the genes. My initial reaction to that, though I didn't express it, was that this was a good excuse. You could blame almost anything on the genes if you wanted to even murder! Later reflection however showed me there was a big difference between murder and homosexuality. Murder was born of hate and did damage to another person and it therefore had to be brought under control. even in spite of genes! But did you really have to deny a person the opportunity of loving another it was natural for him~her to love when this was not going to inflict any harm on anyone else or cut across another loving relationship? If sexual orientation is determined by the genes or some other means over which one has no control. how can it be said to be sinful if you follow that orientation to develop a loving, committed relationship with one of your own sex?

As I reflected on these things I felt I needed to know more and so borrowed a couple of books on the subject from the Public Library. From these books I learned a great deal. I learned that sexual orientation is indeed determined prior to or shortly after birth and I learned that the Bible is not as full of anti-homosexual texts as many would have us believe: Maybe those in the Old Testament Laws would have been questioned by Jesus in the same way as he questioned some other laws which seemed to be anti-human. As I tried to understand the spirit of Jesus I certainly came to feel that if he lived in to-day's world and had the opportunity to discover all that we know about homosexuality, he would be supportive of gays and lesbians who have loving, committed relationships with one another.

As I reflect on these things now I realise that there is much for which I have to thank my gay son. Through his experience and my own reflection on it and homosexuality, I have experienced much more personal growth, I have learnt much more of what it means to be human and I have had my knowledge of the expansive. all inclusive love of God broadened and enlarged in a way that would not have beenpossible otherwise.

When I first learned of my son's homosexuality I kept it very much to myself. I did not want others to know of it for fear they would reject me along with him. Eventually I was able to share it with a very good friend, a person I was able to trust. knowing that he would understand. Today there are very few I am not ready to share my story with, even some who are anti-gay. I believe there are many parents who are reticent to talk with others about their feelings, even to their closest friends. They are unsure of the reaction they will receive. Often their gay children will not want them to talk about it as they want it to be known only to their most intimate circle and confidentiality is something which must always be respected. Recently however, there has been set up a support group for parents and others who are intimately connected with gay people and I commend it to you and those who are significant to you. It is P-flag South (P-flag means Parents, Friends and Families of Leshians and Gays) and is open to anyone who needs someone to talk to. There are Group Meetings which are currently held on a monthly basis and all are welcome to attend. We also recognise that not everyone is comfortable with attending a meeting, especially at the beginning. If anyone wishes to speak with just one other person in an informal way that is okay and can be arranged. Whether a person attends a Group Meeting or enters discussions on a one-to-one basis, confidentiality is always fully respected.

Eric Brodie.

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