How
Do I Tell My Parents? A Guide to Coming out |
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This
material is reproduced (with minor modifications) with the kind permission
of the UK organisaion FFLAG
and the
Manchester Parents Group. More information on coming out can be found on the Gayline Wellington Site. Terry Stewart, author of Invisible Families has advice on coming out to parents here. TELLING
YOUR PARENTS ("COMING OUT")
With this information we are trying to help you about how best to approach your parents with what maybe regarded by them as shocking news. You must be prepared for the possibility that this shock may result in a reaction that feels like rejection. Be aware that, given time, this will hopefully become acceptance. So be patient and try not to give way to anger if your news results in what you feel are hurtful responses. Many parents have difficulty with openly discussing sex. They may perhaps not have come to terms with their own sexuality and experience personal problems. You will probably be aware of their level of their ability to speak on this matter and should take account of this in your approach. The fact that you exist, need not mean your parents are very knowledgeable about sexual subjects. The amount of sexual knowledge they have imparted to you may give you some idea of how you should approach them. Parents'
Reaction
There's no single, sure-fire way of telling your parents that you are lesbian or gay. Just as no two families are exactly the same so the method, even the words, will vary from one family to the next. But some reactions are common to almost all families, and knowing this, it is often possible to work out the best method for your family. Very few parents imagine that their children could possibly be lesbian or gay. Even those who may have had suspicions still feel shocked, sad or angry when confronted with the fact. Try to understand this. You've had maybe several years to come to terms gradually with the fact that you are lesbian or gay. Your parents, when you tell them will have had no time at all. Although teenagers sometimes find it difficult to accept that no-one knows them as well as their parents, there is no denying that they have watched you develop from birth to the present moment. So they will find it hard to accept that there is a side to you they never knew about. In
the immediate reaction there are certain things that nearly all parents
say. These include "How can you be sure at your age?" "I
went through a phase like this, you'll grow out of it". "You
haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex", and, ominously,
"What about this terrible AIDS?" These are difficult things
to answer if you feel at all unsure of yourself.
If
you are young and under the age of consent legally (16 for both women
and men in New Zealand) remember there are two aspects to your situation.
The first one is your homosexual feelings, and the second one is your
sexual experience, if any. You should therefore carefully consider to
what extent you are going to reveal yourself to your parents.
Homophobia
(hatred or prejudice against homosexuals) has many forms but it is based
upon ignorance and can be dispelled by knowledge. Remember your parents
will have to consider how they will deal with relatives, neighbours,
friends, and perhaps their employers or the local church who may become
aware that you are lesbian/gay. Try to understand this concern, perhaps
point out that you too have to deal in greater measure with the hatred
of others. Your parents' reaction may be to become overprotective. Remember
that to balance all the homophobia, there exists a lot of positive and
enlightened thought and attitudes.
Safer
Sex
AIDS
is almost certain to be a major worry with your parents, and indeed
it should be a matter of deep concern to you to ensure that you practice
safer sex with your partner at all times. This of course applies just
as much to heterosexual as well as homosexual activity. HIV (Human Immunodeficiency
Virus) is a viral infection that can lead to the development of AIDS
(Auto Immune Deficiency Syndrome).
The
commonest cause of infection is by unprotected sex with an infected
partner (who may be completely unaware that they are infected). It is
passed on when blood, semen, or vaginal fluids are exchanged during
intercourse, or by using shared needles in intravenous drug injection.
Rarely, it can result from blood transfusions where the donor blood
has not been properly screened, but this is unusual in New Zealand.
The
only real safeguard is to ensure that in all sexual acts, which involve
vaginal, oral, or anal intercourse, a protective sheath (condom) is
used to prevent actual unprotected contact. If using lubrication a non-oil
based "KY" type must be used; oil, Vaseline, baby oil and
similar products will break down the latex sheath. So make sure for
the sake of yourself and your partner that at all times you use a sheath
in any act of intercourse. Also be able to reassure your parents of
your continued intention to use "safer sex" methods (as indeed
should your heterosexual brothers and sisters). Lesbians also need to
be aware and take care.
Thus,
it is best that you are as confident, and indeed as happy about yourself
as possible, before talking to your parents. This can be very difficult
if, for you, being happy about being lesbian/gay depends upon your parents
accepting the fact. If that is indeed the case for you, you may need
the advice of a sympathetic counsellor, but be sure that you approach
one who can accept lesbian/gay attitudes.
For
others, the confidence needed to approach their parents can come from
several sources: from joining a lesbian/gay youth group or a social
group if you are older; from having lesbian/gay friends or pen pals
who may be in the same situation. Or perhaps from talking to parents
who already accept their lesbian/gay offspring or from getting to know
a family where one or more of the children are accepted as being lesbian/gay.
It is for you to decide which of these will give you the confidence
to approach your parents.
Who
to tell?
Meanwhile,
you can start by making a positive decision. Do you want to tell both
your parents at this stage, or only one? Most of us find it easier to
talk to one parent rather than the other when something is bothering
us. It might also be that one of your parents could not accept the fact
at this moment, or that for them, the news might come better from the
parent you have talked to. Decide what is right in your particular family.
Decide,
too, if there is a relative or family friend it would be better to talk
to first, either for advice about how to tell your parents, or for help
in telling them. By making these decisions you are already starting
to bring under control what has until now been nothing but a problem.
Sons
and daughters frequently try to get a guide by watching their parents'
reactions to, say, a TV soap opera, play, or documentary that features
homosexuality, or hearing their response to press media news or perhaps
by noting how they get on with someone known to be lesbian/gay.
This
is not a true guide. Parents might say "Look at those queers",
not dreaming for a moment that this could mean you. Similarly accepting
someone as lesbian/gay in the next street or at work is not the same
as accepting your own child as lesbian/gay.
Usually,
it is most helpful to think of your relationship with your parents and
what happened when other things have been difficult for you.
When
is the right time to tell?
Choose
your moment. All families have times that are right for talking, and
these are usually better than trying to create a moment. Sometimes events
may make this choice for you. When something is on your mind, it can
build up to such a point that it simply spills out. Let it happen. Your
unconscious mind often knows best about these things.
Also
be prepared for one of your parents making the first approach. They
may have found something that alarms them or feel that you have something
on your mind. You will be caught off guard and feel trapped. Admit that
you are lesbian/gay and say you would like to talk about it. That is
enough to start with. People want to tell their parents that they are
lesbian/gay for many reasons, but mostly these are to do with honesty
and love. Just occasionally you may want to tell them so you can hurt
them, perhaps when you are in a bad mood. This rarely works, and usually
rebounds badly. Neither is it fair. Your parents have not made you lesbian/gay,
even if mistakenly they think they have. They will realise that you
are talking out of temper and your words will carry less weight.
The
right words
There
are no standard phrases or words for telling your parents that you are
lesbian/gay. Many people start by saying they want to tell their parents
something that fear has forced them to keep hidden, or that there is
something on their mind that they find very difficult to talk about.
If your parents have wondered whether you are lesbian/gay that is when
they will ask you, making this probably the easiest way for the subject
to come up.
Perhaps
a good approach to take would be to say, "I've known for "X"
years that I'm lesbian/gay and I've been too frightened to tell you.
I didn't want to hurt you and I was worried you might reject me. I hope
you don't, because I don't feel any different about you". However,
there are not many daughters or sons who would start a conversation
like that. Indeed, it's enough to say, as most do, "I'm lesbian/gay",
or "I think I'm lesbian/gay", or "I've known for a while
I'm lesbian/gay", or whatever words come most easily to you. Tell
your parents why you have not told them before. Usually this is because
children fear rejection by their parents, or have not wanted to hurt
them. You may have got used to these fears, but they will be new to
your parents.
After
this point it is difficult to give specific advice, because parents'
initial reactions can vary. There are, however, two points nearly all
gay children have in common, which are best mentioned early on. The
first is that coping alone is extremely difficult and so pressure has
built up inside you. This may help your parents to understand moods
and reactions of yours that seemed out of character at the time.
Still
the Same Person
The
second point is that you still love your parents. You are the same daughter
or son they thought you were and it is a measure of your love that you
have been able to tell them about yourself after such a difficult time.
Religion
If
either you or your parents hold religious beliefs it may be helpful
if you contact the appropriate religious organisation to obtain some
literature and help. We recognise that in the case of certain religious
beliefs there are difficult, even dangerous problems and advise you
to contact your local 'Switchboard" (address in 'phone directory)
before "coming out" to parents.
Not
Only Sex
If
they think that being lesbian/gay is just a matter of sex, explain that
it is not. The love, happiness, trust and affection that your parents
hoped you would find in marriage will still happen, but with someone
of your own sex. Just as in marriage, sex will be part of this love.
When your parents are in shock, they may not completely understand this
at first. Nevertheless, it will help them to hear it at this point.
Three
difficulties parents may have in understanding homosexuality
The
first is choice. Many believe this is something you have chosen to do,
or have been persuaded into by someone already homosexual. Try to point
out how unlikely this is.
Adolescence
is difficult anyway. Someone who thinks they are lesbian/gay has had
to face the thought of rejection by their friends as well as parents;
scorn, or worse, from those they mix with day by day; isolation; immense
difficulty in finding other lesbian/gay people and. maybe even aggression.
Would you have taken on these pressures if you did not have to? It is
most unlikely. Emphasise that you do not choose to be lesbian/gay. It
might be helpful for your parents to read our booklet "A guide
for families and friends of lesbians and gays" Ask them to consider
it before discussing further. Say how much their love, acceptance and
support will mean to you as encounters and problems are faced.
The
second is you may hear your parents express the fear that you are under
the sexual influence of another person. Agree that it is true that some
people can so respond, but it will only be lasting if this reaction
is natural to them. Point out that heterosexuals too are subject to
similar reactions in their relationships and can also be unwise.
This
leads on to the third thing that most parents find very difficult. Often,
from memories of their own childhood, parents will ask about a "homosexual
phase" when someone has fantasies about, a "crush" on,
or sex with, one or more people of their own sex before settling down
into a heterosexual (male-female) relationship. Parents call this a
passing phase of homosexuality. This has nothing to do with homosexuality,
but is just an experiment with sex that could have happened with almost
anyone around at the time, male or female, and is usually forgotten
very quickly.
When
young people hero-worship someone of their own sex to the point of wanting
sex with them, this too is very different from homosexuality. If the
fantasies were to come true, most people, unless they were in fact lesbian/gay
would actually find it totally unsatisfactory and would not pursue it.
Bisexuality
There
are persons who are equally attracted to sexual relationships with the
opposite sex as well as their own. They are termed bisexual and this
feeling is obviously natural to them. They should be accepted as such,
neither condemned nor applauded for their orientation. It is all a matter
of determining for yourself your own sexual orientation.
This
leaves a very small minority of people who have relationship involving
both sex and affection with someone of their own sex. These are one-off
relationships which happen with a particular person at a particular
time, probably never to be repeated, and not to be confused with searching
for lovers of your own sex.
Parents
may find it difficult if you relate well to the opposite sex. You may
have good friends, or have gone out with someone of the opposite sex,
so parents will assume you are attracted to them. If you took someone
out as a cover-up, say so. These are simple explanations of something
your parents find very baffling. Explain also that you can enjoy friends
or companions of both sexes at a social level without a sexual link.
Parents'
Shock
In
their shock your parents may say things they do not mean or afterwards
regret. Don't be frightened; we all do this. When the shock wears off
parents will often say "Why did this happen to us?" or "Where
did we go wrong?" There is a limit to how much you can explain
about yourself, and sometimes this is where the limit is reached. If
you have not previously given them the booklet referred to, then consider
telling them about the parents' organisations that exist, run by parents
who have undergone similar experiences.
Support
Systems
With
pressures of any sort it is often easier to talk with someone outside
the family. But it is important that a sympathetic ear is sought and,
regretfully, some members of the medical and religious bodies can be
opposed to lesbians and gays. If your parents do not wish to contact
Parents' organisations straight away, they may do so later.
There
is a time, too, to stop talking. This usually comes naturally, often
when everything has been said and perhaps repeated. At this point let
the subject go. Let a little ordinary life resume. This in itself will
help. It is then best to let your parents bring up the subject if they
choose to do so. Several things can happen at this point. Your parents
may gradually accept the fact; they may want to talk about it at a later
date, perhaps in a guarded way, or perhaps less bewildered than they
were previously. They may try to ignore what has happened, or, they
may even, after a little while, pretend nothing has happened. Whatever
occurs, remember they have had an immense shock. The time people take
to absorb shock varies with every individual. Be aware of your parents
need for this thinking time of their own, but if after this, it seems
that what you have said is being ignored or forgotten, talk to them
again using the knowledge and experience you gained the first time.
If this does not work, or seems impossible, it is time to get help from
outside. Remember you have access to advice from the many Lesbian and
Gay switchboards listed in the 'phone directory, and also to Lesbian
and Gay advisory organisations that exist. Contact them and explain
your dilemma. Even when things turn out well, parents sometimes feel
a delayed shock later on. They, like anyone else, can find that something
they have accepted in their minds is difficult to fully accept in their
hearts. Here again, if you realise what is happening, it will be easier
to cope with.
If
you have thought along the lines suggested in this page and understand
that your parents cannot come around overnight, it is reasonable to
say to them that you have been honest with them, that you have tried
to live your life in a way that respects your family, and as they tried
so hard to understand, why let all this go to waste now? It is better,
surely, to talk things over again, particularly as it was helpful the
first time.
Families
Differ
In
some families, talking directly about your lesbian/gay orientation is
not helpful. It may be better to gradually let your parents know that
you are lesbian/gay, allowing them to realise at a pace they can take.
Sometimes it will be fairly clear that this is the best way. In other
families, it may take a discussion with someone outside the family to
work out that this is the best approach for you. If you are in a permanent
relationship, try to gently introduce your partner into your family
when you feel that they are most at ease with the idea of a same sex
relationship. Remember that it can be difficult for some parents, especially
fathers, to cope with physical displays of affection. Same sex partnerships
often highlight the fact that there will not be grandchildren, and many
parents will regret this. This is another unfair emotional burden that
is put upon lesbians and gays.
Legal
Matters
As
an unmarried person your parents are legally your next of kin. Should
you die suddenly, perhaps in illness or accident, have you left a Will
properly drawn up to protect your partner? Although this will protect
any disposition of property, unfortunately, as the law stands at present,
your parents could insist on directing your funeral and may try to deny
that your partner exists. So building up a happy and accepted relationship
with your family is most important to you, to your family and to your
partner.
(NB.
The legal status of same-sex partnerships is about to change in New
Zealand. More information will be added here when the legislation has
been passed. For information on what is proposed see the following site:
http://www.timbarnett.org.nz/civilunions/home.htm
16.01.2004)
Younger
lesbian and gay persons are, in general, more vulnerable to problems
arising from rejection. However, in our experience, much of the advice
given above applies equally to the older person who wishes to be honest
and seeks the acceptance and love of parents who have been unaware of
their sexual orientation. Equally it provides a basis for "coming
out" to brothers and sisters and other members of the family. It
is simply because of the unique position of parents that we concentrated
upon this particular aspect.
Conclusion
There are many pieces of advice in this booklet. Don't think that you have to remember them all. The points that are the most helpful to you will stand out and should enable you to approach one or both of your parents with confidence. Homosexuality is part of you, it is not all of you. It is not as important, for instance, as the type of person you are. However, it is impossible to become a full, happy human being if your sexuality is denied, particularly by those who love you. By helping your parents to see this last part of you, you will be helping to strengthen the bonds between you, and greatly raise everyone's chance of happiness. | |||
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