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| Sharon | ||
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It has nearly been 10 years, but feels just like it was only yesterday when my 16-year old son told me he thought he was gay. We sat down and talked it over thoroughly. I was in a shocked and confused state, as I had no idea what to think. Was it a fad? Could he change his mind later? He said no. Unbeknown to me he had been attending a support group for the previous six months and he was very certain about his gay status The following few months were rather stressful. I was grieving for the son I thought I knew. We had no support from my ex-husband. He was more concerned about others finding out than what our son was going through. I reacted by being rude to my son's friends; by not passing on phone messages, and not allowing them to visit him at home. Deep down I was probably hoping that he might still change his mind, and if I didn't encourage his lifestyle, maybe he would forget it even existed. I was so naive. He was a bright 6th form student at a local boys' High School when he came out. He was proud to be gay and he didn't hide the fact. He was victimised by both students and teachers alike. The Deputy Principal didn't ease the pressure he was under by calling him a "poof" in front of the entire class because of the jewellery he liked to wear. He was excluded from class activities until it was removed. Because he was supposedly different, he spent a lot of time sitting outside the Deputy Principal's office. We had several meetings with the school counsellor, and I myself got a taste of what he had to put up with. While leaving the school grounds, I was verbally attacked by a handful of students about being the mother of a fag. He looked to the school counsellor for some sort of guidance but found no support at all. The constant ridicule he endured became too much. He could no longer stay in an environment where he was the butt of everyone's jokes. His attendance dropped off until he no longer went to school at all. Meanwhile his younger brother, who also attended the same school became prey to the same scorn that had forced his brother to leave. He also left a few months later, unable to take it anymore. Not long after leaving school, my older son decided to leave home as well. Looking back I could not reallly blame him. Life at home was difficult for us both. I just couldn't relate to my son the way a mother should. I was still in denial. It didn't take long after he had left for me to realise just how much I loved and missed him. He was still the same son I knew before, but only now I knew him a lot better. I began to regret the way I had behaved. I had finally come to terms with my son's sexuality. At the age of eighteen he was in a long-term relationship, and he seemed to be very happy. Soon after moving to Auckland, they were both diagnosed HIV positive, and not long after that they decided to separate. He was devastated, as he loved his partner very much. This affected him badly and he rang me to find comfort and support. I knew he really needed me, and a week later I was on my way to Auckland to be with him, to show how much I really love and care for him. A year or so later, he came back to Dunedin to live. The following winter, he became very ill. His HIV status had now progressed to AIDS. He decided to move to Sydney for treatment, as it was more accessible in Australia. While living in Sydney, he flatted with his ex partner, who has since died from an AIDS-related illness. Having never dealt with deah before, my son found this extremely hard, as he had to come to terms with his own mortality. My son, who is now nearly 26, has moved back to Dunedin and has been living with me for most of this last year. He was not very well when he came home, but over the months, his health has improved. I have been a member of PFLAGSouth since it was formed over 2 years ago. I have found this to be a very friendly, supportive group, where I have made new friends. If only a support group was available when my son came out 10 years ago. It would have been a lot easier to have had others to talk to. PFLAGSouth holds group meetings on a monthly basis, and I would personally recommend it to others needing support. Everything discussed is strictly confidential. Sharon. |
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