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| Sue | ||
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A Different kind of griefA version of this article was first published in Tui Motu Interislands (September 1999). I am finding it hard to begin this but after the pain of the last three years I know that I must. I write, hoping that by being open instead of assenting to the customary “discretion” and uneasiness about homosexuality, our experience might be of help to others who must live their grief in fear and silence. I also hope that it will provide for the rest of the community an awareness, and hopefully an understanding, of some of the issues that face lesbian and gay people and their families. Three years ago our much-loved eldest son told us, after years of heartache and struggle that can only be imagined, that he is gay. We had been an ordinary, normally happy family, with a family of sons and daughters we had enjoyed. We had always worked towards the ideal that each child was encouraged to be him or her self as well as a family and community member. We liked our children. Life had been full and busy, especially in recent years, and this news came as a great shock. The day he came out to us I will never forget. Even now its details are etc’hed vividly, the last day of that part of our lives. I can remember the date, the weather, the chores and the school fair I had attended -- all the mundane details that surrounded this life-changing event. This way of writing it seems melodramatic now that our son’s homosexuality seems a very ordinary part of him, but I make no apology for recounting how the experience was for us, rather than to simply say we are all in a better place now. After he told us he wept and so did we, sitting on either side of him, all trying to comfort one another. It was an emotional evening as we learned of his gradual realisation and final acceptance that he is gay. It felt like catching up on someone we had not seen for years, even though we thought we had known him well. I was appalled as I thought that at the time he was making these painful discoveries I had been busy and had no inkling that anything was wrong. We talked until very late that night. That weekend was strange. Although life carried on, neither of us, his parents, was really there except on the surface. We both found ourselves having all kinds of memories about the family we had enjoyed, including every stage of his growing up. At the same time we began to realise that although he was still the son we knew and loved, he was also part of a group regarded in the community rather like the lepers in the bible, feared, shamed, labelled, persons treated with little respect or recognition and relegated to the fringes of society. It was almost more than we could bear. A huge sadness too, was the thought of how he had carried this burden afraid and alone for so long, twenty years, in fact, and yet had managed to live a full and generous and apparently joyous life. I suppose courage, or grace is the name for it. I think then that fear became part of my life. We knew that he had honoured us by trusting us enough to tell us that he was gay, but for the moment we agreed that he would tell his brothers and sisters in his own time. I found that trying to conceal something so big from family and friends was a strain. Both of us wanted to protect him, and could not bear the thought of people gossiping or making judgments about him. Nor were we able to cope with what people might say to us if they knew. All conversations felt shallow and insincere, as I was unable to talk about something that was occupying me so deeply. With close friends I felt that I was living dishonestly, not able to share with them what was really going on. It was a very isolated and lonely time when I needed support and yet was afraid to ask for it. I also examined the past, and wondered if somehow by our parenting we had caused this trouble. At this stage it was very painful to hear homophobic jokes and remarks and yet those who made them were completely unaware of what effect they were having. So life proceeded normally, on the surface anyway. We talked a little, worked hard under strain, and sighed a lot. I took up a diverting hobby and tried to carry on as always, coping also with a number of other heavy demands, as I tried to pretend to the world that all was well. At Easter the next year, a visiting daughter and I were in a café when she told me that she now knew about her brother. We dried our eyes on the café serviettes. It was good, that the silence was at last broken and that we could share our common sadness and love. This was the special joy of Easter for me that year. After a few months his brothers and sisters were told, and we all spoke freely which was a huge relief. They, of course accepted him at once. “ But he’s still the same person!” as one of them said. However each of them spoke of having had thoughts and feelings similar to ours. All of them had been sad for him that he had to experience such a long and lonely process before he felt he could risk telling us, his family. They recognise too, that he, in common with other gay and lesbian people will sometimes face special difficulties because of community attitudes. We and many other families with homosexual members will always find ourselves aware of the many disparaging ways that gay people are spoken about in the community. Thus, later as we told more people, it was heart-warming to receive the support of friends and assurances of their unchanged respect and affection for our son. What about the Church? When life throws up some huge event, it is always a time when the faith that has served well enough until now, is turned upside down. This has been the case for me. There is a world of difference between accepting church laws on an intellectual level and the painful lived experience of the effects of those beliefs. At first I looked again at the laws of the church I belong to and realised that they had new and disturbing implications. After a while I began to question my former beliefs. The children felt the same. A daughter remarked “The trouble is that when you find one part of the church teaching doesn’t make sense it is tempting to throw away the whole lot”. Later I read that the parents of gay and lesbian children often find themselves on the fringes of the church. I did find that I withdrew from various church activities because I felt angry, and also hypocritical as if I was pretending that I still believed the same, when in fact, this experience was changing me so that in some areas I was thinking differently from official church teaching. It was frightening to have the bottom fall out of my former secure beliefs and belonging and yet, many of the supportive friends mentioned above were from within this same church. . Questions and concerns Four years ago a conversation took place, which has altered our lives. There were no dramatic events. Our son went overseas. He was still the same person. For us, the shape of our life carried on as usual. The event was our realisation, through our reactions, of the impact that church and societal attitudes can have on gay and lesbian people and their families. We became aware that there must be other families out there facing the same issue, who may appreciate some support. Some families, conditioned by church and social attitudes of ignorance, stereotyping, guilt and prejudice, can reject the children they love for fear of what other people might say or think. The plight of young people who are discovering that they are gay or lesbian or bisexual is often cruel and even tragic. It is a long lonely journey for them as they try to accept their different sexuality while fearing rejection by their families and peers. They are frequently the victims of bullying at school and some commit suicide. The bullying has often not been properly acknowledged or dealt with in schools. Dealing with my Catholic faith. I include this because it has been such a painful thing for me to deal with. Perhaps other people deal with it more ably than I have. Others may feel the same as I have. The Official teaching of the church, as stated in the Catechism of the Catholic Church is worth summarising here. The psychological reasons for homosexuality remain largely unexplained. There are many men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies. They do not choose their condition. They must be accepted with respect compassion and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfil God’s will in their lives. However: Tradition has always declared that homosexual acts are acts of grave depravity and are intrinsically disordered and contrary to the natural law. Homosexual people are called to chastity and self-mastery by prayer and the sacraments, and the support of disinterested friendship. This teaching seems to begin to offer hope to homosexual people which is then negated by the rest of the teaching. Several questions continue to trouble me deeply. How does it show respect if the sexuality any person is born with, the deepest part of their being, which enables them to relate to others, is said to be flawed somehow, and not sinful as long as it is not physically expressed? None of us who were born heterosexual would tolerate it for a minute! Under these conditions, how is it possible any young person, struggling to accept that they are gay or lesbian, ever find they can accept themselves, which is a necessary part of their relationship with God? Does anyone in the Church ever give any thought to how it must feel to be consigned to a life of permanent chastity, because there is no form of commitment that can be recognised? In what ways do we help them to bear the burdens we impose? Is there any .way that we make it possible for homosexual people who are in relationships to feel welcomed and valued in the church as the people they truly are? Rather, most seem to leave the church or pretend that they are straight? This same church has also been blessed with people of holiness and compassion who have understood homosexuality differently after working in ministries to and with homosexual people. Their lives and writings are an expression of the kinder and more inspiring piece of the Church’s vision. Meanwhile, these are some things that are happening which I find I cannot ignore :
What parts of all this spring from depravity? Which parts express truth and love? At present new explorations of scripture and modern knowledge of human psychosexual development are throwing new light on traditional attitudes. History shows that things have changed before in the church. After all, slavery was once acceptable, and women were considered chattels. I hope that at some time the church will have the courage and compassion to re-examine its traditional views with the help of God who is greater and more loving than all of us. I believe that God rejoices just as fully in his gay and lesbian children as in the rest of us, varied as we are. I am full of gratitude for the support and strength I have gained from PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). It is a worldwide organisation and there is now a group in Dunedin. The group meets once a month and aims to provide a place of support, friendship and confidentiality. The meetings are relaxed and there is an atmosphere of trust and respect. We are also able to provide books and other resources which families may find useful. If you come to the group you don’t have to talk, it can be just to listen if you wish. Four years on and someone asked me how I felt about our son and the experience now? I can truthfully say that I would not wish anything had been different. How could we wish that this son were changed in any way? If anything, we love him and are proud of him even more than before. The way he has continued to live a full and generous life through much painful questioning, with creativity, compassion courage joy and humour, is a delight and an inspiration. As a family we have been pushed beyond the bounds of what was familiar and safe, and now seem to have a broader and richer life, and a family loyalty that is deep and strong. Although I wrote personally, my husband and the other four children all share the sentiments of this story. We have much to be thankful for. Sue |
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