Ever wonder why it takes so long to learn English? Read on!
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22. I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example... If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea -nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?
(Thanx Raven)
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
(Thanx Dee)
A girl was visiting her BLONDE friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?""HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
(Thanx Softie)
A woman had identical twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them
went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family
in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself
to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she
wished she also had a picture of Amahl.
Her husband responded, "But they're twins.......... if you've seen
Juan, you've seen Amahl."
(Thanx TangerineStar)
In Sunday School
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
Little Suzie answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
Little Johnny said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
And Johnny answered, "Well, you know, they are always talking about
Verge n' Mary."
(Thanx Pink)
The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:
Why did God make mothers?
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like
me
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say no to drugs
and yes to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a
lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma! says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a
goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under
the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than
dad
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at
work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms
don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind
of plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.! I'd get
rid of that.
2.- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
(Thanx Dee)
The Yuppie Businessman
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog".
(Thanx Dee)
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic
letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed
for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into
the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters:
"G"-"O"-"D."
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so
Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
(Thanx Dee)
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the
airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man
leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made
in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man
leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese
leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet.
And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
(Thanx Dee)
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that
she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please
help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... God!!, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this........ Buy a ticket."
(Thanx Dee)
Air Force One crashes
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
(Thanx Flower)
A traveling saleswoman was driving through Arizona when she sees a Navajo
Indian woman hitchhiking.
She stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk the Navajo woman glances at the brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag." Offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine I got for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and then says.....................
"Good trade."
(Thanx Pink)
I received this message today! now this is what you call the right way
to approach a woman lol goddess lol had to share this with you cos im in
convulsions of laughter lol
rachel
xxx
Dear.Goddess,
As I was going through the, mostly indifferent and boring, MSN profiles
I encountered the pic of a living and walking GODDESS! As you understand,
I had to stop and read the profile. Based on, not only you are the sexiest
woman on the planet, but you are also kind, sensitive and caring. Still
amazed by your beauty and sex appeal, I am writing a few things about
myself.
My name is Konstantinos, I am 32 and live in Athens, Greece. I am a
Sociologist and currently employed as the Associate General Manager of
Personnel in a big multi-national company. I am 1.90 cm (6.3), athletic,
with brown eyes and black short curly hair. I love working out, reading,
traveling and so much more... If you really are the person that I described
above, I will be more than glad to receive your message.
Sincerely,
Konstantinos
(Thanx Flower)
The Mexicans
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in
the
form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the
heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy
nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke.. "eeesa bacon tree!!!
We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect
of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound
of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend
quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!!Pepe!! Quepasahombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! eeesnot
a Bacon Tree"
... Page Down, !
Keep going !
Go on !
"eess... a.... Ham bush"
(Thanx Raven)
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, " When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died,she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over
with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the
casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know
you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised
him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque, if he can cash
it, he can spend it."
(Thanx Mik)
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car. The Female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
(Thanx Berrys)
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains
her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically
challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet. This is an excerpt from a
Wall
Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
bag
the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of
the
monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and
washing
them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The
tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He
told
the technician that the computer had said it couldn't find the printer.
The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer,
but
that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new
Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
in and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power
switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put
in the
second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put
in the
third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized
that
"Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novel NetWire SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did
you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did
you get
this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has 4X on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The
tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer
is
working fine."
12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a P."
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: "P, on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
A Blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up
and brought it over to the sales assistant to ask what it was. The
reply was, "why, that's a thermos.... it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her
boss, who is also blonde, saw it on her desk.
"What's that?" she asked.
"Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
she replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"
"Two Popsicles and some coffee" ...
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING
ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
..POLAROIDS
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT
DOESN'T WORK?
.. A STICK.
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T
YOURS?
..NACHO CHEESE.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
.. UNIQUE UP ON IT.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
.. TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.
HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH
THE FOREST?
.. THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
.. YOU BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
.. SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.
WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS
IN QUICKSAND?
.. QUATTRO SINKO.
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED
COW?
..SPOILED MILK.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS
A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
..FROSTBITE.
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE
OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
.. A NERVOUS WRECK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST
BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
..ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF.
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
.. BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.
WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO
SKY DIVE?
... BECAUSE IT SCARES THE HECK
OUT OF THEIR DOG.
WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED
ON THE TITANIC?
..SANKA.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
..THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.
WHY DID PILGRIMS' PANTS ALWAYS
FALL DOWN?
.. BECAUSE THEY WORE THEIR BELT
BUCKLES ON THEIR HATS.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A
BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
.. A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DAMN!
.. A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DAMN! WHACK.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
..SKEET.
WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG,
BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
..AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING
HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE
DIVORCE THE SAME?
..SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER.
(Thanx Dee)
Elmer and Cecil from Newfoundland were in Toronto visiting a relative.
Walking along Yonge Street, they saw a sign which read, 'Suits $5.00 each,
shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.'
Elmer says to his pal, "Lard jumpin' dyin' Moses, Cecil - LOOK!
We could buy a whole whack of dose clothes and when we gets back ta St
John's, we could make a friggin' fortune. Now when we goes into da
shop, you be quiet, okay? Jus' let me do all da talkin' 'cause if
dey hear our accent, dey might tink we's stupid an' jack up da price. Oi'll
talk in me best Ontario accent."
They go in and Elmer trying to talk like a Torontonian says, "Hello,
sir. I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00
each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll be backing up my
pickup truck and........ "
The owner of the shop interrupted, "You're a couple of Newfies, aren't
you?"
"Lord t'underin Jaysus" shouted a surprised Elmer "How'd da hell did ja know dat?"
The owner replied dryly, "This is a Dry-Cleaners".
(Thanx Kally)
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman,you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
(Thanx Kally)
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local
high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1964."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked,
"What did you teach?"
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork
in the road.
The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
(Thanx Dee)
Baseball in Heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee
victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice
from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball
in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you
want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.
If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for
the nickel deposit, you would have $79.
My advice to you is to start drinking.
(Thanx Dee)
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will
cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law
very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance. "
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar,
order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over
and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled
and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their
voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives,
all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over
to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle
of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender
asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks
that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in
51 days!"
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars that were all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got caught and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah...," the driver replied.
The officer grinned and said, "Ever catch all the fish?"
(Thanx Dee)
SENIOR CITIZEN CONVERSATIONS: (the kind we all may end up having...)
Three old guys out walking.
First one says. "Windy isn't it? "
Second one says, "No it's Thursday"!!
Third one says. "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
(Thanx Dee)
The Mental Hospital
Trevor and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom & stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.
"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
(Thanx Dee)
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They're determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their tourist garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in a G string bikini bottom came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, father, good morning father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed by.
They were both stunned, how in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a G string bikini bottom, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them and again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, fathers" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said "Just a minute young lady." "Yes?" she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know how in the world did you know we were priests dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela,".
(Thanx Dee)
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why
is the groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast
as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and
fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed
herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began
to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove
me either!"
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight
people to collect all the money!"
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about
all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the
way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get
a baby sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor
thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little
boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is
the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think
I'm going
to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
(Thanx Dee)
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed
claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated
the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had
consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued ... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated
to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss
of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the
insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own
insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against
him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property
and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
An ambitious yuppie decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life -- at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many
of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with
you."
"It's only me," she said, "andthe rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that
I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I
wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware -- how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach
the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes
of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto
shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading
to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied
up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare
ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's
not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have
a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about
a pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they
sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to
a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines -strategically
positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to
sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know...." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
(Thanx Dee)
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee
were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic
full moon when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year!"
(Thanx Dee)
Christmas Tree
There were two blondes from Minnesota who went deep into the frozen north woods of Minnesota searching for the perfect Christmas tree. After hours of sub-zero temperatures, blowing lake snow and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said,"I'm chopping down the next damn tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
(Thanx Dee)
Philisophy:
A philsophy professor stood before his class and had some items
in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large
and empty mayonaisse jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about
2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into
the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand
filled up everything else.
He then asked the students once more it the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous -- yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table
and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar effectively filling
the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now", said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter; like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you
that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple
of beers."
(Thanx Dee)
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand
why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for
the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back!"
(Thanx Dee)
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super
Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and
watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They
all board the train. The three Yankees take their respective seats,
but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please. "
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The Yankees see this happen and agree
it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same
thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the
station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their
astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Yankee.
"Watch and learn," answer the men from the South.
When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves
into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down
the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners
leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are
hiding.
The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please."
(And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war!)
(Thanx Dee)
This page updated 22 May 2004