Email from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour
that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving
and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent
him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is
in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good
because He wanted to encourage them-give them a little something to help
them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
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You didn't get one either, huh?
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you
know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like
the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced
to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and
listen.."
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you
know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite
Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people
on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri
said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot.
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you
say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My mom is a good
cook."
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would
stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below
would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would
plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became
ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new
actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope,
and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount
of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell
is full!"
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy
told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway
through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet,
Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon
all over again!'
It worked."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking
her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God
make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting
better at it, isn't he?"
The Devil walked into the church house and took a seat in the back.
He was noticed immediately and people began running out of every door,
climbing out of every window, and praying that he would not come after
them. Finally, the Devil looked around at the empty church, pleased that
it had been so easy to disrupt services.
Then he noticed a single man walking toward him with a bored expression.
"Do you know who I am?" The Devil asked, obviously confused.
"Yeah" replied the man, "I know who you are."
"Well?" Questioned the Devil, "Aren't you afraid?"
"Why should I be? I married your sister and you're not nearly as scary
as she is."
A man appears before the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing...." the man offers. "Once I came upon
a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached
the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground,
and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested
in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to
make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually
the Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of
their biggest buildings. Jack put in a bid, and because his price was so
low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting
up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning
it down with turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the
sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over
the church and knocking Jack clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn
among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and
useless paint.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so
he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
Payback for Blonde Jokes
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slxt.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg? They won't stop and ask for directions.
4. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
5. What is the diff erence between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually will mature.
6. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
7. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know. It has never happened.
8. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
9. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
10. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
11. Why are married women usually heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
12. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control between his toes.
13. What did God say after creating man? "I must be able to do better than THAT!".
14. What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect".
15. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're all married.
16. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful? "God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb? "God says, "So she would love you!"
A young man was driving up a steep, winding and narrow mountain road.
Going round a tight corner, he notices a woman driver who is coming in
the opposite direction begin to lean out of her window. As they pass each
other she yells at him - "PIG!!!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and screams back at her,
"WITCH!!!"
Each continues on their way, and as the man rounds the next bend he
crashes into a pig, right in the middle of the road...
If only men would listen......
Driving to the office this morning on the M3, I looked over to my left
and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 120 km per hour with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, STILL WORKING ON THAT MAKEUP !!!
It scared me so bad , (I'm a man) I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between
my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone
and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL...
@#$%^&* WOMEN DRIVERS!!
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you
to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five
pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
River Walk
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts
back, "You are on the other side."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
at night!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question
was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists
of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class
is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches
her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but
I'm rechecking my answers."
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided
to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed
a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind
the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde." She
pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight
home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside
the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe
that one blonde would do this to another!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK. What is the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that is easy. W."
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she
is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you are next!"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small town in Kentucky. With his dummy on his knee, he's going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes’ routine when an irate blonde woman
the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from
reaching our full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue
to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general
... and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde
yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little devil on
your knee!"
A blonde was driving down the freeway when her car phone rang. Answering,
she heard her husband’s voice urgently warning her, "I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on I10. Please be careful!"
"It's not just ONE car," said the blond, "It's hundreds of them!"
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway the other
day just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but
I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down with her. When
she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great,
tell me what you're so happy about!"
Then she stopped jumping and while breathing heavily she told me that
she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while; so, I
grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't
be happier!"
Then she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
I asked, "What do you mean 'more ?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have
TWINS!!!!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked
her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought
the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so that the can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette
tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll
contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister
a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought
a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck
and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send
her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says,
"I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it slow (com-for-da-bul ).
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need security for the loan,
so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked
on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks
out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke...
NOT BLONDE, but . . .
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
IN THE LIGHT
A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't think the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?!"
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to
the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that
would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his
face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached
his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been
out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent
expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to,
he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my
side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost
in a canyon somewhere.
One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in
this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to
hear us." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where
are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies: "For three reasons:
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."
You are driving along on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop,
and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose, knowing that there could only be one passenger
in your car. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used
as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she
is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect
dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. Think before you continue reading.
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He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations (think outside the square).
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend
to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs,
they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided
that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would
follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked
into the hotel.
There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back
in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address,
and sent the e-mail without realising his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He
was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following
a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives
and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the
floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
Scientific Study
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British, Australians, or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians, or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British, Australians, or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians, or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English
that kills you.
This page updated 15th August 2002