U KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2002 WHEN:
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail addresses.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
15. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
Bob the builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?"
The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."
Just kiddin', ladies!!!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Just kiddin', ladies!!!
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Lacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Thanx Mi-Lo/Softie!
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash (Read this aloud, if you can!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Thanx Raven!
BABY BOOMERS - THEN AND NOW
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
Then: Mood Stones
Now: Kidney Stones
Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm
Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office
Then: Screw the system!
Now: System upgrade.
Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo
Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone
Then: ''The Making of the President''
Now: The making of the President
Then: ''Going blind''
Now: REALLY going blind
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Father Knows Best
Now: Go ask your mother!
Then: Parents begging you to get a haircut.
Now: Children begging you to get their head shaved.
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund
Then: Keg
Now: EKG
Then: Take acid
Now: Take antacid
Then: VW Microbus
Now: Voyager Minivan
Then: Thai Stick
Now: Thai Food
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints
Then: Whatever!
Now: ''Depends''
Then: Ommmmmm
Now: Ummmmmm
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Thanx Lorraine!
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started
using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean,
all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Thanx Dee....
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Thanx Dee
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Thanx Dee
A couple are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary, they go down to their old school, there, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old desk where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On the way home, a bag of money falls out of the armored car in front of them. She picks it up and counts fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And when they get home she hides it in the attic.
The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, did any one in this house find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "My wife is lying, she took the money and hid it in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit senile."
So they sit the man down and begin to question him. The FBI guy says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school...
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
Thanx Dee
Young Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk.
Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
A puzzled expression came over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Tony gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down!," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
She wrote... ID 10 T.
Thanx Dee
Thanx Dee
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Thanx Dee
This page updated 14th September 2002