Older Women
Here's what Andy Rooney (60 Minutes) had to say recently about mature women...
As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, and what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 50 care what you might think about them.
An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiney dependent lover.
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course if
you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if
they think they can get away with it.
Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
Women get psychic with age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.
An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior
is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger
age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite
woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding
old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity.
Andy Rooney
(Thanx terrierx)
ACTUAL SIGNS
Over a gynaecologist's office - "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck - "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania - "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan - "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop - "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room - "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office - "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck - "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area - "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire, and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door - "Push, ... Push, ... Push."
At an optometrist's office - "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home - "Drive carefully, .... We'll wait."
On the front of a taylor's shop - "Drop your pants here and be guaranteed of getting prompt attention."
(Thanx Sedate)
Politics and why the chicken crossed the road...
PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road it should be sent back to where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep letting any old chicken cross the road. We could be inundated with them. Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we can pay him to deal with the problem.
JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users.
STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne.
JOHN HOWARD: The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The united nations should butt out.
KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads.
NATASHA (Spot the spoiler) STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on the size of their eggs and legs.
EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous chickens.
PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the Time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed.
PAULINE HANSON: Please explain.
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us.
REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going
to the 'other side'. That's what they call
it: the 'other side' Yes, my friends.
CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?
HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the other side?
FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?
THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'.
DIRTY HARRY: Come on chicken, make my day!
TEENAGERS: Let's play chicken with the chicken!
HOMER SIMPSON: mmmmmmm ......Chicken.
(Thanx Twasi)
Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to
her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo,you had to go and eat the secretary!"
(Thanx Ecka)
Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy
birth tableau from one of her students...
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' "Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!' " Now the kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.
"My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing way. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe.They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest.
Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.
Thanx Dee
The Hitch-Hiker
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night
in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The
storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly
he saw a car come towards him and stop.The guy, without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize
that nobody was behind the wheel.
The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other, "Look Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing it..."
Thanx Ecka
At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colours (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto
heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet.
Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip
on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as
a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school
megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in
robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit
punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets
her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a
lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the
tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.
As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self"
is included.
Thanx Ecka
Mother-in-Law
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his Family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem George's Mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost, him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00
George thinks for sometime and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"
Thanx Ecka
TWO CAMELS
Two camels a mother and a baby were lazing around, when suddenly baby camel said.
Baby: mother, mother, can I ask you some question?
Mother: sure! why son, is there something bothering you?
Baby: why do camel have humps?
Mother: well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store
water and we are known to survive without water.
Baby: okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded.
Mother: Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert. You
know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone, said
the mother proudly.
Baby: okay, then why are our eye lashes long? Sometimes it is bothering my sight, said baby camel.
Mother: my son, those long thick eye lashes are your protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind, said mother camel with eyes brimming with pride.
Baby: I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert,
the legs are for walking
through the desert and these eye lashes protects my eyes from the desert.
Then what the hell
are we doing here in a zoo???
Thanx Re
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that damn map again..."
Thanx Ecka
The Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, you'd better listen real good because I'm only going to say this one more time:
I haven't made the f------g porridge yet!!"
Thanx distressedamsel
"The good news is the White House is giving George W Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves." ---David Letterman
Thanx Ecka
A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness.
The gentleman said only one thing: "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
Thanx Ecka
BRAINS FOR SALE
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope."
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Female brain, and $200 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.
A woman, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."
Thanx Netwreck
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the
following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people
do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year - "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" - and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN!
Thanx Twasi
Two Nuns
There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
Thanx terrierx & TangerineStar
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As
we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying:
"If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to
the brain, so.........
Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing
it. OK, relax, clear your mind and....... begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions?????
Dang.....
If you said "glass", then go on to question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is ; flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the
flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes
smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in
"no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated.
...... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute
then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people
get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get
on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU ! Read the first line again!
Thanx Ecka
Married In Heaven
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married
in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I
don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,"
and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. . .
. . .for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
Thanx Ecka
WEDDING PLANS
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a chemist. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
Thanx TangerineStar
A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says "Sorry mate, but you have "Yellow 24", a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth"
He trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before.
He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize and then gets any line and wins. He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further 5,000.
The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says "Son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but u won 4 corners, any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky"
"Lucky??" he screamed 'lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24!"
"Dang me" says the bingo caller "You've won the raffle as well"!!
Thanx Squeezy
This page updated 2 November 2002